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Umbrella Academy Quotes That Mean More Than You Realize

Most viewers would agree that, of all the secondary characters in season 1 of The Umbrella Academy, the psychotic, time-traveling, blue collar assassins Hazel (Cameron Britton) and Cha-Cha (Mary J. Blige) were among the most colorful. While the murderous duo's beyond-creepy cartoon masks played a big part in their unsettling impact in The Umbrella Academy's first season, the characters were a lot nicer in the Netflix adaptation than they were in the pages of Gerard Way's and Gabriel Bá's source material. 

Plus, even if the deadly duo's objective is the same in both versions of The Umbrella Academy (to track and kill Number 5), as portrayed in the Netflix series, they're just a couple of average Joes who happen to make a living killing people in brutal fashion. In fact, Hazel's burgeoning love story becomes one of the more surprising, and surprisingly heartfelt, twists in the series' first season. It even eventually finds Hazel waxing poetic on the nature of love and fate by quipping, "Sometimes, what you want's right in front of you. By the time you realize it, it's too late."

He utters those words to his long-time partner Cha-Cha, and though he's talking about his feelings for Griddy's Doughnuts maven Agnes (Sheila McCarthy), they seem to stir feelings Cha-Cha likely didn't know she had for her partner. By the time Cha-Cha realizes Hazel's talking about someone else, the damage is done, and the pair spend the rest of their time on opposite sides of an apocalyptic equation. 


Umbrella Academy: 10 Of Klaus' Best Quotes

Klaus Hargreeves (Robert Sheehan) is one of the breakthrough characters from the popular Netflix series The Umbrella Academy. Klaus' interpretation in the series is a bit different, to say the least, from the one depicted in Gerard Way and Gabriel Ba's comic book series. And it ended up being a great creative choice for Netflix because he's been one of the funniest and most engaging characters on the show.

RELATED: The 10 Best Comic Book Shows That Aren’t From Marvel Or DC (According To IMDb)

Klaus is usually the one who gets the best lines and the funniest scenes. Here are 10 of Klaus Hargreeves' best quotes from the series.

Warning: Minor spoilers from Umbrella Academy season 1 and 2 will be included.

10 "You look like Antonio Banderas with the long hair. I just thought you should know."

In a pivotal scene in season 2 where Diego, Klaus, and Allison try to stop Vanya from potentially causing an explosion, Klaus decides to tell his brother a super-important observation before he rushes in to rescue Vanya.

Klaus has the audacity to tell his brother that he looks like Antonio Banderas in the face of imminent danger in case they don't survive the ordeal, and it just perfectly cuts through the tension of the moment. The fact that Diego is grateful for the compliment just makes the entire dialogue that much funnier, as he says "Thank you, man" with a genuine straight face.

9 "Your mother, that $l*t! Whoever she was. We met at...the disco. Okay? Remember that. Oh my God, the sex was amazing."

In season 1, when Five asks Klaus to pretend to be his father so they can infiltrate the company that makes the mysterious glass eye, Klaus proceeds to create a fictitious backstory for them.

RELATED: Umbrella Academy: 5 Marvel Teams They Could Beat (And 5 They Couldn’t)

He asks Five about their cover story as fake father and son, but Five just responds with confusion. Klaus, oblivious of Five's indifference, elaborates and lets his imagination run wild as he creates a fake scenario in his head on how he met Five's mother, whom he then describes with the above quote

An annoyed Five just responds to his brother bluntly, "What a disturbing glimpse into that thing you call a brain."

8 "Don't go chasing waterfalls. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to."

When Klaus finds himself thrown into prison in the past, Keechie, one of his followers from the cult he inadvertently started (Destiny's Children) approaches him to seek more of his teachings.

In typical Klaus fashion, he simply quotes lyrics from the TLC song "Waterfalls," which definitely didn't exist yet in 1963. And, of course, Keechie is amazed and takes the appropriated lyrics as words of wisdom and responds, "That's so... deep."

7 "I can’t just call Dad in the afterlife..."

Full quote: “I can’t just call Dad in the afterlife and be like, ‘Dad, could you just stop playing tennis with Hitler for a moment and take a quick call?'”

When Luther asks Klaus to try and commune with their recently deceased father, Klaus just comes up with this snarky comeback.

It was a hilarious response by Klaus to Luther that also served as deflection because his powers were so dulled at that point due to his constant intoxication and drug use that he couldn't do it anyway. Plus, it was a great jab at their horrible father whom Klaus clearly thought was evil.

6 "Oh wow, I know this is impossible but did we all get sexier?"

When the Hargreeves siblings are finally reunited in 1963 after going through individual physical transformations in their respective journeys in the past, Klaus and Allison are the last ones to see the rest of their siblings. Klaus, appropriately, has to make the best meta-observation.

RELATED: Umbrella Academy: 5 Ways The Team Is Exactly Like The X-Men (& 5 Ways They're Different)

With the exception of Ben (who's a ghost) and Five (stuck in a boy's body), the Hargreeves did indeed become sexier from the previous season. This is just Klaus speaking facts.

5 "What? This is my nicest outfit"

When Five tries to hire Klaus to pretend to be his father, he wasn't ready for the outfit his adopted brother had in store for the job.

“I thought I told you to put on something professional," says Five, after seeing the dress Klaus has put on, which Klaus answers with the above quote in his typical dry wit.

The scene is a perfect encapsulation of Klaus' relationship with Five, who constantly sees him as a source of frustration and disappointment. The outfit really was nice though and maybe Five was being a bit too harsh.

4 "Is It Vanya? [. . .] What? It's usually Vanya."

During their family meeting in season 2, Five discusses how the apocalypse from season 1 followed them in 1963. This is when Klaus makes yet another hilarious meta-commentary about Vanya's powers being the potential source of the impending doomsday they're trying to prevent once again.

When Five reveals they only have six days left, Klaus isn't afraid to address the elephant in the room and questions if it's Vanya's fault again, which receives a disapproving response from Allison.

RELATED: Umbrella Academy: 5 DC Teams They Could Beat (& 5 They Couldn’t)

In his defense, he was technically correct since Vanya did indeed almost indirectly cause a nuclear war.

3 "Yeah, but you also told me licking a nine-volt battery would give me pubes"

In this funny exchange of dialogue between Diego and Klaus, the former insists on killing the time-traveling commission assassins Hazel and Cha-Cha by himself and tells Klaus to stay in the car. Klaus doesn't listen though.

Klaus follows Diego and asks what the plan is, and when Diego tries to command Klaus back to the car, he comes up with this comeback. So many questions arise from his statement but it's clear that Diego's word can not be trusted, and Klaus licking batteries as a kid explain a lot.

2 "Technically? If you have to use the word 'technically,' you’re already in trouble."

When Klaus has some bonding time with his sisters before they try to stop the end of the world, they discuss each other's love lives, and Allison and their adoptive brother Luther's puppy love relationship comes up.

Allison claims she and Luther never did anything wrong but Klaus insists they were "making little sick moon dog eyes at each other all through puberty and breakfast."

Vanya then chimes in and cluelessly asks if they're all siblings, which Allison begins responding to by saying "Well, technically..." But before she can elaborate, Klaus stops her train of thought and calls out the inappropriate dynamics of her and Luther's relationship with this quote.

1 “I bet you’re loving this, hmm? The team at its best. It’s just like old times. Best funeral ever.”

During the pilot episode, the Hargreeves siblings didn't have the best wake ceremony for their adoptive father, and with good reason since he didn't seem to be an ideal patriarch.

After spilling their father's ashes at his favorite spot, a fight breaks out between Diego and Luther where they accidentally destroy Ben's statue and the entire family disperses out of frustration. This is when Klaus talks to his dead father's ashes on the ground and says this quote resulting in a solemn moment accentuated with Klaus' typical dark humor.

NEXT: 10 Comics Every Fan Should Read (That Are Not Marvel Or DC)


Next5 Ways DC Sidekicks Are Outdated (& Why They're Still Interesting)

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Lorenz Jan Clement (43 Articles Published)

Lorenz is a freelance writer for Comic Book Resources, a lifelong comic-book geek, and avid collector. He has worked for a tabloid in Los Angeles, non-profits in the Inland Empire, and also currently writes for where he covers comedy, reality, and superhero shows. He currently resides in Southern California where he earned his bachelor's degree in journalism at California Baptist University. When not writing, Lorenz is boxing or playing basketball and watches anime depicting these sports. He highly recommends watching "Hajime no Ippo" for boxing and "Kuroko no Basket" for basketball.

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Best The Umbrella Academy Tv Series Quotes

 1- Vanya : If you believe in yourself, just once, great things are gonna happen for you.

2- Allison : All the what-ifs start to haunt you.

3- Klaus:  You are depriving some village of their idiot.

4-  Sir Reginald Hargreeves :  The ties that bind you together make you stronger than you are alone.

5- Pogo: One grows used to things, even if, sometimes one shouldn’t.

6- Hazel : I need a hit of sucrose. I’m heading to the vending machine.

7- Allison : Sometimes men are unredeemable shits.

8- Klaus: I can’t just call Dad in the afterlife and be like, ‘Dad, could you just stop playing tennis with Hitler for a moment and take a quick call?

9- Allison Hargreeves :  When something seems too perfect, it’s usually anything but.

10- Allison Hargreeves :  I think maybe you’re the only person who really knows who I am and still likes me anyway. 

11- Number Five : We didn’t choose this life. We’re just living in it.

12- Vanya: We all wanted to be loved by a man incapable of giving love.

13-  Number Five : What’s meant to be is meant to be. That’s our raison d’être.

14- Leonard Peabody : You don’t have to apologize just for existing.

15- Klaus: Eternal peace is probably overrated.

16- Vanya :  If you’re raised to believe if nothing about you is special, if the benchmark is extraordinary, what do you do if you’re not?

17- Allison Hargreeves :  You don’t get to blame your problems on anyone but yourself.


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Umbrella Academy: 15 Of The Best Quotes From Season 1

The Umbrella Academyfollows a group of superpowered siblings who were all adopted by an eccentric billionaire after being born under unusual circumstances on the same day, based on the comic of the same name. The show balances drama, action, and comedy well, and each of the main characters and supporting characters have strong personalities making the dialogue on the show witty and at times profound.

RELATED: The Umbrella Academy: The 10 Best Characters, Ranked

Although The Umbrella Academy recently released its successful second season there are still some great lines that are either hilarious or emotionally charged throughout the first season that shouldn't be overlooked or forgotten.

Updated on December 18th, 2020 by Kristen Palamara: Since the success of the second season of Netflix's The Umbrella Academy, and its official renewal for a third season, it's a good time to revisit the first season of the show. It's a popular show for its plot but also for its loveable and real characters. The characters on The Umbrella Academy continue to deliver witty, heartfelt, or heartbreaking, and at times insightful dialogue and have done so since the very first episode.

15 Maybe They're Here For Kenny's Birthday!

The Umbrella Academy meets up at a bowling alley to discuss what their next plan is to try to stop the apocalypse. A woman comes over to ask if Five would want to join her son Kenny's birthday party since he looks like a young kid and might have more fun at a children's birthday party, which of course he screams at her for assuming.

When The Commission agents attack them at the bowling alley, Klaus screams this line joking that maybe they're there for Kenny's party.

14 Bet You're Loving This. The Team At Its Best, Just Like Old Times. Best Funeral Ever.

In the first episode, the team and makeshift family reunite to attend their adoptive father's funeral and immediately they start arguing with each other.

Diego and Luther get into a heated fight ending with Diego throwing knives and everyone running back inside the mansion. Klaus stays outside by himself to deliver this line to Reginald and put out his cigarette in his ashes.

13 If You're Raised To Believe Nothing About You Is Special, If The Benchmark Is Extraordinary, What Do You Do If You're Not?

This quote is part of Vanya's autobiographical book she wrote about her life growing up as an outsider member of The Umbrella Academy.

Since she was young, Reginald had told her that she was not special like her brothers and sister and it emotionally traumatized her. Reginald focused all of his time and energy on training her siblings and left Vanya out of the family.

12 I Can't Talk To The Person I Love. People Still Don't Take Me Seriously. I Want To Be Numb Again.

Klaus tries to get sober so he can reach out and communicate with Dave in the afterlife, who he met in the Vietnam war after traveling back in time.

The two fell in love, but Dave died during the war leaving Klaus grieving and back in his present time. Klaus is typically a funny character, but right underneath all of his jokes and wit is a deeply hurt person who chooses to be numb instead of hurting.

11 Life Is Short. Future Doesn’t Come With Any Guarantees. You Want Something In Life, You Gotta Go For It.

It's clear that Hazel wants a change in his life and is unhappy with being Cha-Cha's partner at The Commission.

As the two begin to track Five, they arrive at a donut shop owned by Agnes and Hazel immediately falls for her. He starts planning for a way out of his job at The Commission to live a happy and normal life with Agnes.

10 We didn't choose this life, we're just living in it.

Five has led a very weird life, arguably the weirdest of all the siblings allowing him to steal the show from time to time, and he's learned to just go along with whatever comes next.

Five has a difficult time getting his family to believe his story about the incoming apocalypse as they all think what he's saying is too outrageous and farfetched. He argues with this line, saying that their lives have always been insane and this shouldn't be a surprise to them.

9 I need a hit of sucrose.

It's clear from the beginning of his introduction that Hazel is not happy about how things are going with his job at The Commission.

He's easily irritated and seems to be done with the hitman game, but he doesn't know how to quit The Commission or his partner Cha Cha. He tends to stress eat and enjoy his sweets becoming enamored with Agnes and the donuts at Griddy's.

8 We're all looking for happy.

The Handler reaches out to Five and wants him to come back to The Commission. She tries to get him to come back for a promotion to be in management instead of a hitman.

She tells him he could be happy there and they could age him back to his older self. He says he's not looking for happy, which is another look into his character and has the audience feeling bad for him, and The Handler comes back with this line.

7 You are depriving some village of their idiot.

Klaus returns from time traveling to Vietnam and has a difficult time adjusting between the horrors of war and losing the man he loved, Dave. He tells Diego to take him to a bar for Veterans as he looks for a photo of him and Dave, but the other patrons are upset they are there assuming that Klaus isn't a Vet.

RELATED: The Umbrella Academy: 15 Best Klaus Hargreeves Quotes

Klaus gets upset and says the hilarious line that he's sorry that the man must be depriving some village of their idiot, which begins a fight between the bar and the two brothers.

6 Everyone I like is already dead.

Klaus asks Diego to tie him up so he can get sober and hopefully see Dave again in the afterlife when he has a clear head. Klaus jokes that the two brothers are finally spending time together just in time for the end of the world to happen and Diego quips back with this line saying might as well hang out with him because he has no one left.

It's a sad line and difficult to hear, but it does show Diego's brooding nature and the pain he is in after losing Detective Patch and Grace.

5 Eternal peace is probably overrated.

Klaus delivers this throwaway line that is very in character for him as he convinces himself to get high again instead of facing the spirits that haunt him. The small line in the first season becomes funnier after Klaus' second season arch was revealed when he accidentally became a cult leader.

Klaus saying that eternal peace is probably overrated only to become a religious cult symbol in the second season is foreshadowing and irony at its finest.

4 There's no such thing as good guys or bad guys, there's just people.

Five tells Luther the truth about what he did at The Commission and Luther is appalled that he was a hitman and questions Five on his morals. Five responds with this line and Luther is concerned that Five has become too callous and logical in his old age.

It's an intriguing quote that gives Five a good character-building moment as the audience hears some of his philosophy about his situation.

3 If you believe in yourself once, just once, great things are gonna happen for you.

Leonard tells this line to Vanya to try to convince her to believe in herself more. It's a great sentiment that most people should keep in mind when they're not feeling confident in themselves.

Although it's delivered with ulterior motives as Leonard is manipulating Vanya, the greater sentiment of the line still rings true for Vanya and anyone else who needs a reminder.

2 I had a bad Twinkie in the apocalypse once, it kind of put me off dessert.

The Handler asks if Five wants a dessert and he quips back with this line. Although every sibling has their funny moments, Five has some of the funnier one-liners throughout the first season and this is one of them.

RELATED: The Umbrella Academy: 10 Questions About Number Five, Answered

He has already mentioned to his family that the rumor that Twinkies don't have an expiration date is false so this line is a callback to an earlier joke as well.

1 We get to go to exotic places, meet new people, and then kill them.

Cha Cha is trying to get Hazel to stay on the job as a hitman for The Commission by convincing him that they have the best job in the world. Hazel has been unhappy with his job since the beginning of the season, but Cha Cha is still content and wants him to stay as her partner.

She tries to convince him by saying this line, which is pretty hilarious and does sum up what they do, but it doesn't work on Hazel.

NEXT: Umbrella Academy: 12 Easter Eggs Fans Missed


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Kristen Palamara (349 Articles Published)

Kristen Palamara is a reader, writer, and avid film/tv watcher from the Midwest United States. She's been a legal assistant extraordinaire, an espresso sharing fiend, and studied personality types/communication strategies that helped the corporate world have a little more heart. An English and Criminal Justice major from Indiana University she's excited to continue her writing journey!

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50 All-Time Favorite Umbrella Academy Quotes

Which are your favorite Umbrella Academy quotes?

The Umbrella Academy is an American superhero web television series. Based on the comic book series written by Gerard Way.

The tv-show is produced by Borderline Entertainment, Dark Horse Entertainment, and Universal Cable Productions. It’s focused on a family of adopted sibling superheroes who reunite to solve the mystery of their father’s death and the threat of an impending apocalypse.

Here’s our collection of the all-time favorite Umbrella Academy quotes:


50 All-Time Favorite Umbrella Academy Quotes

1. “Yeah, why don’t you tell that to Luke Skywalker? I know you don’t get it, but that is an excellent reference.” – Diego

2. “The last time I saw this one, she had me suspended mid-air sucking the life out of me with energy tentacles.” – Diego

3. “The commission will hunt us down wherever and whenever we go.” – Five

4. “You can either stay here and wait for the IKEA mafia to come back to kill you, or you can come with me.” – Five

5. “Everything in our new life is connected to a plot to assassinate the President. That can’t be a coincidence.” – Diego

6. “Not that apocalypse, this is a new one.” – Five

7. “They are gone like a fart that went poof.” – Klaus

8. “I’m just gonna go murder Mom, I’ll be right back.” – Klaus

9. “You don’t have to join the military to become a man. Don’t sacrifice yourself — because I love you.” – Klaus


10th of 50 Umbrella Academy Quotes

10. “Nobody needs your shit, Klaus. That’s why you are always alone.” – Ben


11. “When something seems too perfect, it’s usually anything but.” – Allison

12. “You don’t get to blame your problems on anyone but yourself.” – Allison

13. “Eternal peace is probably overrated.” – Klaus

14. “I know what it’s like to love dangerous people. Difference is they love me back.” – Diego

15. “If you believe in yourself, just once, great things are gonna happen for you.” – Vanya

16. “What would possess me to adopt seven ill-mannered malcontents?” – Reginald Hargreeves

17. “I know what it’s like being stuck in time, thinking this is how you are going to live out the rest of your life. On the run, and not knowing if you’re ever gonna see the people you love again, and to be in an unfamiliar world.” – Five

18. “I know this is impossible, but did we all get sexier?” – Klaus

19. “We all wanted to be loved by a man incapable of giving love.” – Five


20th of 50 Umbrella Academy Quotes

20. “You have given me the greatest gift of a lifetime. You let me feel alive for the first time. You helped me find hope again. That’s a wonderful thing.” – Sissy


21. “Vanya, of all people you should hate Dad the most.” – Luther

22. “We didn’t choose this life, we’re just living in it.” – Five

23. “You look like Antonio Banderas with the long hair. I just thought you should know.” – Klaus

24. “I hate to disappoint you Benny boy but you are not getting in this body.” – Klaus

25. “Unfortunately ghosts can’t time travel.” – Klaus

26. “Family barbecues are about to get real weird.” – Klaus

27. “I need your help too, I’m scared. And for the first time in my life, I don’t want to do it alone. I want my family by my side.” – Vanya

28. “Why can’t I control myself like the rest of you guys?” – Vanya

29. “I would take my year with you over a lifetime with anybody else.” – Ray


30th of 50 Umbrella Academy Quotes

30. “We have to risk everything to save everything.” – Luther


31. “Don’t go chasing waterfalls, stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re use to.” – Klaus

32. “I’m going to tell Sissy that I love her.” – Vanya

33. “Can you hug me as I go? It’s been a long time.” – Ben

34. “My cult is going to be so pissed… I told them we had until 2019.” – Klaus

35. “I need a hit of sucrose. I’m heading to the vending machine.” – Hazel

36. “Do you know how hard it is to trust people when your whole childhood was bullshit and manipulation?” – Diego

37. “I’ve compared every man I’ve ever met to you.” – Allison

38. “I’m a complete and total fraud.” – Klaus

39. “I ran into some trouble at the asylum, during the escape. These three blond guys. Total cowboys.” – Lila


40th of 50 Umbrella Academy Quotes

40. “I thought it was my job to keep everyone safe, and I just made it worse. I never wanted to be the bad guy.” – Luther


41. “Hope it turns out better than your marriage, huh?” – Diego

42. “You are depriving some village of their idiot.” – Klaus

43. “The clock is ticking on doomsday. Just tell me that when I need you, you’ll be ready.” – Five

44. “I can’t believe I got shanked by my own father.” – Diego

45. “I heard a rumor… you punched yourself in the face.” – Allison (to Diego)

46. “The only thing The Umbrella Academy knows about love is how to screw it up.” – Klaus

47. “I think maybe you’re the only person who really knows who I am and still likes me anyway.” – Allison

48. “If you’re raised to believe nothing about you is special, if the benchmark is extraordinary, what to you do if you’re not?” – Vanya

49. “This is going to sound crazy but, I’m your son.” – Luther

50. “The ties that bind you together make you stronger than you are alone.” – Sir Reginald Hargreeves



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Zisilia Alvsa is a writer for Wealthy Gorilla. Friends often call her Zii. She is a girl from Jakarta, Indonesia who currently lives in Bali. Zii loves photography and travelling.

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Reginald Hargreeves being the best father ever !(The Umbrella Academy)

On the occasion of his appointment to a new position. The company gathered quite solid, every now and then someone proclaimed another toast, and after a while everyone forgot why, in fact, they were gathered here: the. Usual conversations in such cases, flirting, even discordant singing went.

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